Learning Not To Look Back and Forgiveness

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Last night as I was talking with God about everything that has gone on and is going on, I had a healing experience. Recently I have been working through feelings of anger that I never had before. I have been angry because other people that I love are hurting and there is nothing I can humanly do right now to solve the problem. I have been angry that my Mom died the way that she did having suffered a stroke that kept her in the hospital dying until her last breath. I have been angry even with myself for words buried deep within me years ago that I spoke from deep hurt as a young lady towards my Mom. Feelings of anger that I would hurt my Mom even though it was not intentional caused me emotional pain. All of these feelings rolled together into one unexpectedly.


These are new feelings. These feelings surprised me because when Mom passed away I literally had no regrets in regards to my relationship with her. We had a connection that is harder to explain to many. We had both worked through our own hurts together. Mom apologized for many things, as did I towards her for the tough journey she helped me walk through in high school. I can recall a moment in a coffee shop with my Mom. With tears in her eyes she apologized for a lack of action on her part to help protect me. Even though much of what she was apologizing for was out of her control, it was probably one of the most healing points in our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, we had a good relationship then, but there is something amazing when Jesus molds two hearts together, he continues to draw you both closer through him. I miss this relationship with my Mom beyond description. We understood one another. We did not need words. There was comfort. We both knew that we would support each other no matter what.


But recently the hurtful things I said that wounded her so many years ago came flooding back. My heart was broken. These memories as well as her in the hospital are something that I suppose still need to be worked through.  I know that the stages of grief go in cycles and often strike people differently. But last night as I was working through these feelings of anger and grief I saw an image of my Mom. She was right in front of me. She gently cupped my face in her hands, looked me directly in my eyes and said, “Honey, I am better now. Do not worry about all those things. I am better. Do not look back.” The love in her eyes penetrated my very soul and I knew God was speaking. God, through the silence allowed my heart to let go again. God speaks these words. It is all throughout scripture. Press on. Do not look at the former things. Do not look back. Move forward.


If any of you are working through anger, regrets, or past actions that led to pain and hurt, stop looking at them. Do not look back! For those of you working through regrets regarding my Mom, please know that you have been forgiven long ago. She would never hold these things against you. She never did here on earth so why should you be holding onto them now that she is in Heaven? As her family, we also forgive you and do not hold such actions against you. Forgive yourself and know that my Mom and more importantly, God, would want you to press on and move forward. Keep going. Do not look back.


God loves you beyond anything in the entire world! Messy as you are, you are loved dearly! That is beautiful is it not?

Storms

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On the days where words are stuck inside and the sky is raging black, I tend to feel like I am in a haze. When we had some epic storms recently I found myself searching the sky with excitement and awe. I learned to enjoy thunder and lightning storms after I reached an age where I could see the beauty and strength of God in them rather than feeling struck by fear.


During these storms it struck me that I should have the same perspective during real storms as I do with the storms of life. I should change my focus from struggling to see the sun break through, to waiting in sweet anticipation to see the next powerful act from God within the storm. You see, there has been a storm raging for quite some time now. I have had moments where I felt desperate for a break. Part of my struggle has come from having the wrong perspective at times.


Having the wrong perspective is much like when I was a child. Thunder and lightning scared me. It was the loud noises, the darkness of the sky and the bright flash that comes out of nowhere that could kill you if struck by it, that brought about my fear. But the older that I got, I actually came to yearn for these storms. It made me feel closer to God. He is beautiful, loving and powerful all wrapped together in one. Thunder and lightning storms seem to reveal who God is to me. These storms are symbolic that God could destroy me because of my sin, yet he chooses me and desires to be in a love relationship with me. I am thankful beyond words that he sent his only son Jesus to take care of all my sins so that we could be in a relationship (John 3:16).


Currently, I am choosing to look at this storm as a divine opportunity to see God do some powerful acts, however dark that it may be, no matter how fierce the winds, nor how much rain pelts against my skin. My trust is in God. He is trustworthy.


Dear Reader, if you are facing some storms take heart. There is a God who loves and cares for you. If you are too tired to walk, he will carry you. No matter what happens remain steadfast in his love. When things get the darkest, it is God’s greatest moment to reveal how furiously he loves you. Do not give up. I can tell you now that you do not want to miss out on what he will do amidst the storm.

Can you share with me amdist the busy parts of life?

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Hi everyone!


Life for my family has been extremely busy. There are some days where we just want to take some time to be able to take a breath. That is what we have been attempting to do lately every chance that we get. If there are breaks in writing it is just because I am resting from my computer and my busy life.


In the meantime, would any of you like to share with me anything that has helped you during your own grieving process? Writing has been a crucial part of my journey so far. Also, acknowledging that letting go of a loved one, a season in life, and the little life forming within you, is going to be hard but it is worth the pain and hard work. There will be days that you do not do things perfectly but doing your best is enough to make God proud. I would be interested to hear some of your insight and even your own stories. Please feel free to comment or email me.


God loves us in our messy lives. Know how much He cares for you today.