I have to admit that I was in rebellion against my own process of working through grieving since I last wrote. Each time I would start to write I just felt a little frustrated that I was struggling the way that I was. Instead of writing I chose to pack or unpack. This transition in our lives has been more difficult than I expected even though it has been one of the greatest changes for us.
Every time that I have moved I always had my Mom to help organize my kitchen. Each time I went to unpack I had feelings of extreme sadness, and frustration. I know that it has only been 10 months since she passed but there is a part in me that feels like I should be feeling happier and not still be breaking down in tears. To be perfectly honest though, my heart has hurt more this past month than it has for the past several months. It feels as if her death just happened. Because of this, I can often feel inadequate. I know that this is a lie but to feel such sadness makes me feel a sense of guilt. I know that Mom is in Heaven. I know that I will see her someday. This makes me feel like that truth should outweigh my sadness.
But I truly miss my Mom so much that it hurts. So much change has occurred in the past several months. These changes are all very good, but growing pains certainly have hit. Everything that seemed to be of some kind of discouraging opposition has shown itself to make us better. Because of our recent move, we are now able to focus on certain details of our lives that we were unable to do before. As this happens, the growing pains have increased. God is purifying the gunk that has occurred in previous months. I pray daily that I am obedient. I want to allow God to uproot anything within me that should not be buried in my heart. This can be painful at times as well.
The past year has been very hard. It has been full of much pain. But it is this pain that God has used to mold us, shape us, make us stronger and prepare us for the things ahead that are much bigger and greater than we ever would have been able to imagine on our own.
So far, we have been overcome with such love from our new church family. We have walked into a family who has made it clear that they will love and support us for who we are. When one has lived through a storm, experienced much opposition, and then that changes to sunshine and encouragement, it almost feels like a dream. We are still processing this. We are so thankful!
It does not matter what you are going through. God is for you. No matter the storm, and no matter your struggle, God is for you. He is protecting you. He is holding you. Remember, the storm does not last forever. He still calms the waves, and brings forth the sun.
Psalm 118:1 (ESV)
“Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!”