For a period in my life I was holding onto ashes. These ashes contained many things. Pain and turmoil left a constant ache in my heart. I was holding onto words and an identity full of lies that I had allowed to penetrate what I did. It left me feeling anxious and doubting everything I said and did. One day I looked at my hands and realized,
“What am I doing? Why am I allowing this to rule my thoughts? Why am I allowing this pain over these ashes keep me from living in freedom?”
I decided then, that no matter how hard it may be to break the habit of holding handfuls of ashes that I would let go.
That day I chose freedom, I chose Jesus.
Too often we let what others say, a diagnosis, an ailment in our bodies, distance, or certain actions from others dictate and rule our lives to the extent of binding us. We were never intended to live this way. We were made for freedom! We were made to fly, to dance in joy, and to be so full of love that it literally overflows onto everyone and invades everything that we do.
What are you holding onto? What are you allowing to bind you?
Let it all go!
When you let go you are able to rest well. You are free to dance! Freedom grows and increases your faith.
I do not want to live a life limited but rather one that shows passionate living. Passionate living to me means to be bold in the Lord. I have no need to be anxious. I want to operate with him casting aside man-made boundaries of faith and man-made ideals of identity. It is in him that my identity lays. I can be me as God intends me to be.
Raise your hands in freedom. Dance. Laugh. Love deeply. Rest in his peace. Fly.
I want to take a moment to express what is on my heart right now. It is not very often that I talk about the dynamics of my family of 3 since I originally started this blog to document the journey of grieving through my Mom’s death. As life continues to flourish and the sneaker waves of grief become less powerful, other things are written on my heart that I want to share.
Did you all know that I have an adorable daughter who is 7? She is quite brilliant, has the best laugh and her smile lights up a room. She also has the best Daddy in the entire world! They are so much alike. Do you also know that I chose her? When I married my husband it was also the day that I chose to be who she needed me to be whether it was Mom, friend, counselor, or just a bonus.
The journey has not been easy. It has been full of heartache and tears but we have always chosen to persevere, and laugh along the way. She has been worth it!
But let me highlight the man in our life a little bit more. He has faced these giant mountains in his life. Together as husband and wife we have faced them together, praying that God would move them on our behalf and on the behalf of our daughter. He has had to fight many battles for us to be a family of 3. And I must say how very proud of him that I am.
He has chosen love and mercy. In the process he never once lost sight of his daughter and he never once lost sight of me. He is honest to the core of who he is. He is the most faithful man that I know and has had moments where he could have easily justified giving up at any moment. But he has such incredible integrity and faith. He perseveres. When he is struggling he still comes to comfort me in my time of incredible grief. He loves me, cares for me, tends to my aching heart and serves me with his whole heart. He has shown me what the scriptures instructs a husband to do, to lay down his life.
He loves Jesus with everything he has.
It is because of Jesus that we are where we are today. Together we are mighty!
“Your praise will ever be on my lips!”
I have been writing things in my head for the past few weeks. The same phrase that I keep going to is this:
So often I see others struggle with what is going on in their lives. How we respond to things in our lives that are out of our control often reveal the core of who we really are. With God there is always beauty amidst everything.
It is a beautiful process as God reveals things deep within us that he wants to transform. He desires wholeness for each of us. He desires us to be healed and empowered. Tenderly yet powerfully he frees us from things that hold us back, tie us down and keep us further from him.
Ever since Mom passed away my heart has gone through some very hard places. To admit this is not a bad thing. In fact, I would not change a thing. In my darkest moments I have met beauty and love. When a sneaker wave of grief comes still to this day the beauty of falling into the waves of his presence is unlike anything that I have experienced. I would not trade this journey for anything.
In his presence nothing compares. No drug, no supplement, no maple Bismarck (my favorite), no best day, no, absolutely nothing compares to being with Jesus! I have also come to realize this strange paradox about life and our home to come, Heaven. When I am close to Holy Spirit and spending time in his presence, time somehow becomes tied directly to eternity, uniting the two together. I know that my Mom is in Heaven worshiping our Lord. When I come into his presence and experience his holiness it is there that I know my Mom and I are having the same communion with Jesus.
There is nothing more beautiful than knowing that my Lord loves me so much that he made a way for me to be in a relationship with him, which ties me to eternity even in this life. I have the divine privilege to be with him. Knowing that my Mom is with him in a different way at home while I get as many to join me on the way brings tears to my eyes. Why? To live this live is a privilege with Jesus. What he has done for me is such a gift. This gift is for everyone for he loves each of us just as if we were all his favorite.
Life is difficult, but dear one, it too is so incredibly beautiful with Jesus!
“Just because it is difficult does not mean it is not beautiful”. K.N.Y.