I Screamed At God

Hi friend,

I know it’s been some time since I’ve blogged or posted anything too inspirational. If I am to be honest with you since January 1st I have been grieving certain things in life. Each week presented some other loss. Sometimes I tend to focus on whatever needs to be done and make sure everyone else in my life is okay. Are any of you like this too?

I hit a major grief stage over the weekend because I didn’t realize I hadn’t had time to myself for a month to process as I needed. Any introvert knows that can be deadly and my soul was screaming.

There is a song, Save Me, by Steffany Gretzinger that says,

“I tried to be the hero for a day.
But all my superpowers failed to save.
So I turned in my ego and my cape.
I was made to fly but not this way”.

I had unknowingly tried to save what was not mine to save and I looked around to find myself alone with the heartache. But God met me even as I screamed at Him and beat on His chest while He held me. Todd White likes to say, “God is a big boy” and I never realized how much God could take from me as I said every thought I’d been too afraid to process out loud with Him. This may sound weird to you but I sometimes still wrestle with the lie that God is punishing me for things I’ve done or did not know were wrong. This couldn’t be further from the truth!

He held me close. He dried my tears with His own sleeve. He listened to me. In that moment as ALL my pain spewed out, He told me to rest. In His lap, exhausted, I rested. None of my circumstances had changed. My womb was still empty and aching. The questions still were unanswered. My heart hurt most of all. For my lost children. For injustices I could not fix. For so much loss over the past decade. For things bandaids could not make better. For relationships I missed. For the life I let go of and the one I feel I have to fight for. For my broken country. For the painful tears that never will dry on earth. None of these were fixed in that moment.

And that is okay.

In that moment I had God holding me, hearing my heart and my voice at the same time.

He extended so much grace and mercy. His gentle arms held me closer as I rested and I could finally hear the beat of His heart after mine had stopped pounding in my ears. Gentleness was gifted to me instead of flashing angry eyes and a stern voice. He knew I needed a break from the pain.

Our burdens were never intended for us to carry on our own. As He held me, the burden started to lift. It took some time as I worked through the anger that lingered but new air started to fill my lungs. Each day since then I have realized how much I have gained through each loss and moment of suffering. God is so good that He had woven so much beauty amidst every part of life!

How long has it been since you stopped what you were doing and rested? Do you need to hang up your cape, that you may have unknowingly put on, and allow God to come save the day or perhaps save you? He is our refuge and strength (Psalm 46). He is a “big boy” and can handle whatever you need to talk about. He extends grace and mercy even when it doesn’t come out nicely because He knows us perfectly.

God knew I could not take anymore. He knew that just because I was angry I still loved Him and wanted to love Him more and more, for forever. He knows you too. He knows.

He is waiting for you.

Hang up your cape. Rest.

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