I Would Choose You Again

Mother’s day weekend I strategically focused on healing. It was the first year I knew I needed to confront the pain that I felt. I invited Jesus to a weekend “away”. I wanted to go to the beach but was unable to do so. It ended up being one of the best opportunities for the healing work in me. I didn’t want to be home because of the pain associated with the place. It felt like empty rooms were tombs and memories still haunted me.

Through the suffering, I’ve dug deep. Through the hard, gritty, messy work I found something incredibly beautiful. I found joy again in the memories of all four of my kids. The grieving needed to happen for joy to return. Mourning the way God intended, feeling every sorrow and hurt allowed for hope to be planted again. As this healing took place I was able to write letters to the kids I have lost.

To my Michael baby, I would risk it all again because it was you that gifted me hope for a brighter future for my family. The gift of you keeps ensuring that I do not give up. You remind me that there are other kids that I will get to love.

To my Boomerang boy and K girl- the loss of you was tragic. A living death almost feels worse because unlike an actual death the loss of you feels like a thousand tiny deaths over and over. Yet, I have found the gift of knowing you. I need you to know that I would choose you all over again. I would do it all again to be able to love you in a way that you never had before; so you would one day see your incredible worth and know a mother’s love. Thank you for the few moments I was able to be a mom to you.

Not all things can be stolen. Beauty can be found in the darkness and the heartache. I have found some sense of justice in knowing that when God made me a mom, the devil could not touch it. He has tried hard to ravage and destroy my family. But he underestimated love. He underestimated a spirit-filled mama! I rise from the ashes. My heart might still ache, and I may weep and wail. But I still love. I would do it all again.

I rise a mother.


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