Cleanse

Cleanse.
There seems to be a health craze lately about cleanses for our bodies. I am not discounting the health benefits from a cleanse. It made me think more about our hearts. Our hearts need a cleanse more than our bodies. After all in the end that is what matters the most.

I’m tired of olive branches being extended out only for them to be cut off. I’m tired of verbal abuse, guilt trips, manipulation and blame cast upon the innocent. I’m fed up with toxic words spoken over those I love, and over our nation. Lies. All these lies will crumble revealing the truth of hearts involved.

When all is exposed what will your heart reveal? Will there be toxic ooze? Will vile & rotting flesh reveal a broken heart that chose to blame cast and tear down others? Or will your heart reveal purity, love, gentleness, joy, and beauty?

Everyone has a choice. 

“But Kara you don’t know how hard my life has been!” 

Hog wash! I’ve been through hell but my God saved me and has continued to turn the ashes into something incredibly beautiful. I’ve experienced my deepest sorrows and deepest pains being touched by my healer. His love and his joy have set me free from not only the fires of hell but he has touched the scars from the battle on my way back up.

He is not done with me yet. 

He certainly has not forgotten about you nor is he finished with you. He took your pain to the grave after dying on the cross so that you wouldn’t have to carry it. Just as he rose you have a choice to choose the same destiny.

A heart cleanse. Get rid of toxic thinking, toxic words & toxic relationships.

Stop casting blame. 

Repent. 

Forgive. 

Choose love.

Choose truth. 

Choose joy.

Advertisements

Reign in My Heart

Love wins!

I felt compelled to declare this truth today. We have been walking our daughter through some difficult things. Her sweet heart has been holding onto guilt for things completely out of her control. 

The more that lies are said and hurtful things are done I can see how pointless it all is. Do you want to know why?

Because love wins. 

As long as I choose Jesus, forgiveness & love, nothing can compare to Him. I have started saying, “I forgive you” out loud because I want love to reign in my heart. Ever since I have started to do this I have literally seen a shift occur. Truth surfaces & a confidence in Jesus & who I am deepens. 

Dear ones, when life hurts due to the actions & words of others choose love. 

Love wins!

Romans 8:31-39

Learning Not To Look Back and Forgiveness

IMG_1853

Last night as I was talking with God about everything that has gone on and is going on, I had a healing experience. Recently I have been working through feelings of anger that I never had before. I have been angry because other people that I love are hurting and there is nothing I can humanly do right now to solve the problem. I have been angry that my Mom died the way that she did having suffered a stroke that kept her in the hospital dying until her last breath. I have been angry even with myself for words buried deep within me years ago that I spoke from deep hurt as a young lady towards my Mom. Feelings of anger that I would hurt my Mom even though it was not intentional caused me emotional pain. All of these feelings rolled together into one unexpectedly.


These are new feelings. These feelings surprised me because when Mom passed away I literally had no regrets in regards to my relationship with her. We had a connection that is harder to explain to many. We had both worked through our own hurts together. Mom apologized for many things, as did I towards her for the tough journey she helped me walk through in high school. I can recall a moment in a coffee shop with my Mom. With tears in her eyes she apologized for a lack of action on her part to help protect me. Even though much of what she was apologizing for was out of her control, it was probably one of the most healing points in our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, we had a good relationship then, but there is something amazing when Jesus molds two hearts together, he continues to draw you both closer through him. I miss this relationship with my Mom beyond description. We understood one another. We did not need words. There was comfort. We both knew that we would support each other no matter what.


But recently the hurtful things I said that wounded her so many years ago came flooding back. My heart was broken. These memories as well as her in the hospital are something that I suppose still need to be worked through.  I know that the stages of grief go in cycles and often strike people differently. But last night as I was working through these feelings of anger and grief I saw an image of my Mom. She was right in front of me. She gently cupped my face in her hands, looked me directly in my eyes and said, “Honey, I am better now. Do not worry about all those things. I am better. Do not look back.” The love in her eyes penetrated my very soul and I knew God was speaking. God, through the silence allowed my heart to let go again. God speaks these words. It is all throughout scripture. Press on. Do not look at the former things. Do not look back. Move forward.


If any of you are working through anger, regrets, or past actions that led to pain and hurt, stop looking at them. Do not look back! For those of you working through regrets regarding my Mom, please know that you have been forgiven long ago. She would never hold these things against you. She never did here on earth so why should you be holding onto them now that she is in Heaven? As her family, we also forgive you and do not hold such actions against you. Forgive yourself and know that my Mom and more importantly, God, would want you to press on and move forward. Keep going. Do not look back.


God loves you beyond anything in the entire world! Messy as you are, you are loved dearly! That is beautiful is it not?

Living Life with My Hero.

Do you ever have moments in life where you just wish that you could fast forward? I am past the point of wanting to go back in time to relive the moments with my Mom and my family. To live in the past is to have no future. But there is also this other reality where if you just look to the future your present becomes invaluable.


I have to be honest with you for a moment here. There have been many moments in my life the past month with the holidays, that all I wanted was to not feel what I was feeling and to not be where I was. Grieving comes in huge tidal waves at times. There are moments where it feels like your feet have become unstable, and the shock from the cold water takes your breath away. It can consume you for a time and in that moment, all you want is to feel something good and be somewhere different.


But the important part of grieving is working through it, feeling every bit of everything that is inside you knowing that with time, things will get better. It is also so vital that you continue to live your life. To many people, they think that they must dwell in the past, and in essence stop living for a time. But the best way to give honor to anyone that you love that has passed away is to live life to the fullest. This means, continuing on serving God, loving and growing your families and learning the new you. This has no timetable, whether short or long.


One thing that I know for a fact is that my Mom would want us to enjoy life. She would not want us to stay in silence always looking back at our past with her. We can still honor her and remember her in every action that we do, while moving forward and choosing joy. Our future is not in our past with her. This gives her no honor if we stay there. It also gives her no honor if we tell others how to live or not live their lives as we move forward. I know that my Mom is being honored in how my Dad is living his life. In fact I can guarantee you that not only is she smiling in joy knowing that he is not alone, but God is smiling proudly with how my Dad is living so honorably. I have huge respect for how my Dad is living. I could not be anymore proud of him! He’s my hero.


When I get told that I am not honoring my Mom or that I have not changed one bit, I am now at a place where I can say what a blatant lie that is. I can say with no doubt in my mind, and with full confidence in my heart, that those are all lies because of who I have become in Christ. I am not the same person that I was many years ago let alone even a month ago. God is refining parts in me that I did not even know needed care. I know a lie when I see one and it no longer causes me to feel the need to prove those people wrong. I have no need to. The evidence is how I live my life. So my simple reply is, “I forgive you.” This is vital because forgiveness is a process and often comes with a constant care of choosing forgiveness when pain can arise within again.


And pain does arise, especially when our families are at a place of allowing new people in and we learn who we are becoming. I wholeheartedly support my Dad. He is on a new adventure full of grief and sorrow as well as new joy, a new beginning and a new life with an amazing woman. My Mom is up in Heaven rooting, “Way to go Ed! You are living the way I wanted you to without me. We knew this day might come. It is okay. I understand. Keep on living. Laugh more. Love more. Forgive more. Cherish every moment with our kids. Cherish every moment with the woman that I prayed would come into your life.” But more importantly I know how proud God is of my Dad.


With that said and with Gods word, there really is no way to argue against that. Live life. Choose life. Choose love. Make God proud.

Meeting with the Doctor.

In the past week and a half I have felt like all the words and emotions have been stuck inside of me. I have realized that I have had a difficult time putting all of the pieces together of the past several months. Because of this I must apologize as time literally has taken on a whole new meaning. I feel much older than I actually am after these past 4 months. Exhaustion has become a steady part of life. Swollen eyes from crying for hours and headaches to follow are all normal. I am uncertain of what my soul will look like after the brunt of this pain has dulled. I know that I am a daughter of the King and He is teaching me how to learn a new dance. He is using every ache in my heart to mold me and to teach me more about His great love. He is making me stronger.


The days in the hospital at Fort Pierce seemed much longer than they actually were. My accounts are pieced together and are somewhat difficult to filter through. The meeting with the Doctor finally happened after waiting for several days. Some of Mom’s nurses and care team were a part of this family meeting. I have to point this out because these people were rock stars. The love and care that they gave to my Mom was phenomenal. I wanted to hug them so tight in gratefulness each time that I saw them. We could not say thank you enough. They were caring for the most amazing woman we had known as Mom, confidant, friend, counselor, doctor, and comforter. They were caring for her in ways that we were unable to.


The air was thick with tension. There was a lump in my throat the size of a golf ball (at least it felt that way) and I had to tell myself to breathe. I did my best to put on a brave face, although, I have often been told that my face looks angry even when I think that I have a smirk on. My face is a horrible liar of what I attempt so hard for it to portray. I really do not know why this is and it can be very frustrating at times.


The Doctor had finalized looking over all of the recent test results, and brain scans. He came into the room and summarized what had happened to Mom’s brain and what was currently going on. To sum it up, Mom’s brain had such a big clot in it that her brain matter had literally been moved over. The stroke was likely due to her Lupus attacking her brain. Any small bump to her head that would move this brain clot further would kill her. She would never regain the use of her left side, as the damage was already too severe. This news was not of any alarm to me. I had enough education about the body to see and understand what was going on. I saw the swelling in her hands and the drooping of her left side, as well as the awkward position she was in, and knew that if there was ever a chance she came back awake, she would never, ever be the same. The Doctor confirmed this when he gave us our choices for what was to come next.


Because he saw how much my Dad loved and cared for my Mom, he knew that she was deeply loved. He said that sometimes scenarios would come up where he has to look at other reasons for procedures other than just for the patient. He saw how much we loved our Mom and that he was willing to do a procedure to remove the blood clot in hopes that the bleeding would stop, and the swelling in her brain would go down enough that her brain matter could heal. The chances of her surviving this procedure were very slim as her other brain cells were very weak and could cause another cataclysmic stroke in a different area of her brain. If she did survive this procedure, the best scenario was that she would be paralyzed. She would most likely not even be able to speak. She would need constant care for the rest of her life. Rehab would be very difficult.


Anyone that knows my Mom knows how much she never let her illness define her. She had been diagnosed with Systemic Lupus for over 20 years and had lived in immeasurable pain everyday. Each year I would say that the pain and issues worsened. Many times she would have to go on special medications just to be able to have the energy and endurance to enjoy family events and important outreaches. So many people never fully realized the sacrifices that she would make to her health and her body just to be given the honor to serve them. She never wanted a handout. She always wanted to do for others.


For those of you who took her for granted and talked bad about her; to those who judged her on the sidelines because you justified your apathy; to all those who abandoned her when she needed a cheerleader, know that she loved you despite it all. Might I also add that I need to say this: I forgive you. It is one of the most painful things to see such a hardworking, loving, tough woman who made the sacrifices that she did, get beat up by backstabbers, gossipers, and slanderers who masked themselves as friends and leaders. I pray that someday you will be known by another name. I pray that you will understand that my Mom only wanted you to know how much Jesus loves you. I desire this for you as well. I need to tell you again: I forgive you. Please do not be held back by any shame or guilt. None of us want that for you. Embrace forgiveness from Jesus and change. Be like Jesus. Be love to the world.


To all of those who prayed for her, bought her coffee, gave her an extra sweater, or turned up the heat in your house because she was cold; to those who baked a meal, gave her candles, and told her “thank you”, know that she never took your simple gestures and kind words for granted. She loved so many of you. It was this love that somehow was still shining even  on the hospital bed. It was this love that motivated her to give her life for Jesus as she did.


For that love, we knew that she would suffer even greater knowing that she could not do anything on her own if she survived the procedure her Doctor offered for her. We were devastated. As I was holding back tears, I realized that I was also holding my breath. My younger brother started to cry, the pain evident on his face. Then my older sister started to hand out Kleenexes. By that time I could no longer keep the tears inside and I had to remind myself to breathe. As reality hit each of us differently, my older brother started to ask questions that I could not even think of at that time. These questions helped lead us to talking out the next steps for our beautiful Mom.


The conversation that followed made the Doctor and nurses cry. They knew what this meant for us. They saw our struggle. They wanted our Mom to get better. Every little thing that they did was in an effort to restore our Mom back to us. So, in those minutes, each one of us was unified. Love was in that room. Love for a woman that each of us had known in our own personal way, whether she was wife, friend, sister, Mom, Mother-in-law, or patient.


Yes, Love met us in the room that night. In the mess of us, love was what made this night beautiful. Love was still alive. It was what helped us make the decisions before us.